I used to think I was lucky. That I had it made. And I was lucky. But only because I thought I was. I turns out that your mind truly is the only thing that can make you happy. Now, when I look back on my past, and not with the mind of a 10 year old, I realize how absolutely wrong I was. My life was anything but perfect. My life is anything but perfect. I don't know what to do now. I hate that I have a logical mind. Everything in my head tells me to end my life now. Everything in my heart tells me not to do it, for my family's sake. And that's who I am. I live for my family, I live to make my family happy. And I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know how to make them happy anymore, and that's where my head comes in. It says, you're not helping them, why stay. Why keep trying and not succeeding. Then my heart says, you know better. Your family loves you no matter what and killing yourself will only make it worse. So now, I do what my family wants rahter than what I truly want to do. I want it o be over. I want to be done. I want to die.
But I wont. I wont kill myself. I will just keep withering away inside my mind, because I will truly hurt my family if I do it. So I wont kill myself. Not physically anyway. My mind is already dead. It died with the longing to make my death complete.
I suppose I will just keep wearing this fake smile everyday and pretend I'm okay. I think they know better though. Oh well. I just hope an accident comes along and ends it all so I wont have to deal with the fact that I did that to my family for the rest of eternity in my afterlife.
Tell me something...am I convincing? =D
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Angels in Waiting by: Tammy Cochran
A song that she wrote to her late brothers who died from Cystic Fibrosis. Makes me cry every time I hear it.
Lyrics:
We camped out on the living room floor
In our old sleeping bags, by a make believe fire.
In a tent made of covers, we talked for hours
My two brothers and me.
Keeping the faith; racing with destiny.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
They always knew they'd never grow old.
Sometimes the body is weaker than the soul.
In their darkest hour, I made a promise
I will always keep:
I'll give them life; I'll let them live through me.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for me.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for me.
Lyrics:
We camped out on the living room floor
In our old sleeping bags, by a make believe fire.
In a tent made of covers, we talked for hours
My two brothers and me.
Keeping the faith; racing with destiny.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
They always knew they'd never grow old.
Sometimes the body is weaker than the soul.
In their darkest hour, I made a promise
I will always keep:
I'll give them life; I'll let them live through me.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for me.
They were angels in waiting.
Waiting for wings to fly from this world,
Away from their pain
Treasuring time, 'til time came to leave,
Leaving behind sweet memories.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for wings.
Angels in waiting; angels in waiting for me.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Stephan
I have a half-brother who's older than me by about four years from my father's first marriage. I lived with him until I was about five or six and then he moved back in with his mom. When he went back to his mom, she decided it would be best for him and our other brother to not be a part of my father's life, which unfortunately included me. Then about five years ago they came back into my life for about a year before his mom began to think it was a mistake and took them away again. Now, he's nineteen and he can make decisions for himself and he has come back into our lives by his own choice and I am sooooo happy.
Unfortunately, Stephan has a bad disease called Cystic Fibrosis and it will end his life. Now that he is back in my life I need him more than ever and I can't stand that God makes these decisions without thinking about what it could do to the people involved. I love God, but sometimes I question his motives. How dare he steal MY brother away from me. I don't care what the reason is, he has no right to take him away. I need him more than he does. I can't lose him the way I am. He is too young...he is too important. I need him.
Unfortunately, Stephan has a bad disease called Cystic Fibrosis and it will end his life. Now that he is back in my life I need him more than ever and I can't stand that God makes these decisions without thinking about what it could do to the people involved. I love God, but sometimes I question his motives. How dare he steal MY brother away from me. I don't care what the reason is, he has no right to take him away. I need him more than he does. I can't lose him the way I am. He is too young...he is too important. I need him.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sitting Here In A Corner
Another poem of mine
Sitting here in a corner
By: Jessica Kane
I'm sitting here in a corner
my life flashing before my eyes
I'm getting a front row seat
to all my hellos and goodbyes
all my olds and news
all my laughs and cries
all of the things that come and go
all of the things that are born and died
all of the people I never could trust
all of the people in whom I confide
all of the people who got me lost
all of the people I use as a guide
all of the times I was strong and proud
all of the times I ran to hide
all of the times I told the truth
all of the times I chose to lie
all of the times I never stood up
all of the times I gladly showed pride
all of the times I sat back to watch
all of the times I chose to ride
all of the times I stood my ground
all of the times I got lost in the tide
all of the times I was put before all
all of the times I was thrown to the side
all of the times I had nothing to give
all of the times I was able to provide
I may not have had and exciting life so far
but my range of experiences is very wide
Sitting here in a corner
By: Jessica Kane
I'm sitting here in a corner
my life flashing before my eyes
I'm getting a front row seat
to all my hellos and goodbyes
all my olds and news
all my laughs and cries
all of the things that come and go
all of the things that are born and died
all of the people I never could trust
all of the people in whom I confide
all of the people who got me lost
all of the people I use as a guide
all of the times I was strong and proud
all of the times I ran to hide
all of the times I told the truth
all of the times I chose to lie
all of the times I never stood up
all of the times I gladly showed pride
all of the times I sat back to watch
all of the times I chose to ride
all of the times I stood my ground
all of the times I got lost in the tide
all of the times I was put before all
all of the times I was thrown to the side
all of the times I had nothing to give
all of the times I was able to provide
I may not have had and exciting life so far
but my range of experiences is very wide
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My love
Something you probably wouldn't have guessed about me is that I write poetry. I'm not the best at it but it is a great way to open up and let your feelings out, or to just simply write a story. Here's my favorite one that I've written so far.
My love
Since the first time I saw you I knew
my life would never be the same
you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen
and I didn't even know your name.
Your sparkly blue eyes took me by surprise
your silky smooth lips locked my gaze
and your jaw was so strongly shaped
your features put me in a haze.
I couldn't be prepared for the feeling I got
when you walked up and talked to me
you smiled and said, “You are beautiful”
I thought you were to good to be
And after two months I was madly in love
I can't believe it happened so fast
you were all my world, my stars, my sky
and I never remembered my past.
When a year had passed we moved in together
you told me you'd love me forever
I felt like the only girl in the world
you told me I would worry never.
Two months later we were on the couch
and I was wrapped up in your arms
I was so comfy in your loving embrace
you always knew how to keep me warm
You carefully adjusted to set me aside
and smoothly got down on your knee
you told me how much you loved me
then asked, “Will you marry me?”
Of course I accepted no questions asked
and you placed the ring on my finger
and I could have sworn when you kissed me
I heard our own personal singer
We married, had kids, and the whole shebang
and then you were sent off to war
I couldn't accept this dreaded news
it felt wrong down to my core
I begged you to stay, to never leave me
and you said, “I'll always be here.”
then you kissed me and picked up your bag
as you left I felt stinging fear
You were there for six months, but it felt like years
though you talked to us all that you could
I was always so scared you would never come home
but you always would promise you would
I waited and waited and waited some more
then someone knocked on the door
and I screamed, “How could you do this to me?
You never broke a promise before!”
It was then that I realized you'd never come home
you'd never see your babies grow
and I'd never have you to hold me again
and say, “Babe I love you, you know.”
I know that I should be grateful
for the times that I did share with you
but all that I am is hateful
that there is nothing more to do
The kids were both just way too young
to really understand
all I could say is, “Daddy loves you,
and he's gone to a better land.”
The both kind of smiled and Kylie said
“Well when is he coming back?”
it broke my heart to have to tell them
my whole was starting to crack
And I looked into their big blue eyes
thanking god you gave them to me
I'm so grateful I have two big pieces of you
that every day I can come home to see
And now I am sitting here up in our bed
and it's getting late, almost eleven
and I'm asking to god to answer my prayers
so I can see you some day up in heaven
and every night I look up at the stars
remembering how we had dared
to have so much passion in one little marriage
and all of the love that we shared
All I can say is I love you
and that's for always and forever
I promise to take care of the kids
and that I will forget you never.
My love
Since the first time I saw you I knew
my life would never be the same
you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen
and I didn't even know your name.
Your sparkly blue eyes took me by surprise
your silky smooth lips locked my gaze
and your jaw was so strongly shaped
your features put me in a haze.
I couldn't be prepared for the feeling I got
when you walked up and talked to me
you smiled and said, “You are beautiful”
I thought you were to good to be
And after two months I was madly in love
I can't believe it happened so fast
you were all my world, my stars, my sky
and I never remembered my past.
When a year had passed we moved in together
you told me you'd love me forever
I felt like the only girl in the world
you told me I would worry never.
Two months later we were on the couch
and I was wrapped up in your arms
I was so comfy in your loving embrace
you always knew how to keep me warm
You carefully adjusted to set me aside
and smoothly got down on your knee
you told me how much you loved me
then asked, “Will you marry me?”
Of course I accepted no questions asked
and you placed the ring on my finger
and I could have sworn when you kissed me
I heard our own personal singer
We married, had kids, and the whole shebang
and then you were sent off to war
I couldn't accept this dreaded news
it felt wrong down to my core
I begged you to stay, to never leave me
and you said, “I'll always be here.”
then you kissed me and picked up your bag
as you left I felt stinging fear
You were there for six months, but it felt like years
though you talked to us all that you could
I was always so scared you would never come home
but you always would promise you would
I waited and waited and waited some more
then someone knocked on the door
and I screamed, “How could you do this to me?
You never broke a promise before!”
It was then that I realized you'd never come home
you'd never see your babies grow
and I'd never have you to hold me again
and say, “Babe I love you, you know.”
I know that I should be grateful
for the times that I did share with you
but all that I am is hateful
that there is nothing more to do
The kids were both just way too young
to really understand
all I could say is, “Daddy loves you,
and he's gone to a better land.”
The both kind of smiled and Kylie said
“Well when is he coming back?”
it broke my heart to have to tell them
my whole was starting to crack
And I looked into their big blue eyes
thanking god you gave them to me
I'm so grateful I have two big pieces of you
that every day I can come home to see
And now I am sitting here up in our bed
and it's getting late, almost eleven
and I'm asking to god to answer my prayers
so I can see you some day up in heaven
and every night I look up at the stars
remembering how we had dared
to have so much passion in one little marriage
and all of the love that we shared
All I can say is I love you
and that's for always and forever
I promise to take care of the kids
and that I will forget you never.
About me.
I'm a 45 year old living in a 16 year old girl's body. I've had some pretty brutal shit go on in my life and I'm extremely proud of who I am today. If I was to start from the beginning and tell you everything I would probably be writing all night long, so I'll do my best to tell you what you need to know and leave out some of the gory details. I'm 16, as you may have realized, and I'm more mature than most adults you will ever meet. It's not by choice but simply because I never grew up with the chance to act young. My father is a drug addict and alcoholic and even though, as of now, he is separated from my mother, it is still something that completely knocked out any chance I had at a childhood. When I was little my dad was always disappearing. He would be gone for days on end and I would never have any idea where he was or when he was coming back. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what extent it had come to. I can honestly say that I had no idea what my dad was up to until I was about 10 years old. Now, the only reason I found out then was because my mother had had enough and was making him go to rehab or move out. He chose the rehab. I probably couldn't tell you exactly how many times my dad left to go to rehab, but that time wasn't the only one. He is the type of guy who usually gets what he wants and even if he wants something he shouldn't have he gets it. He's never really had to take responsibility for his own actions. He's actually never really had to take responsibility for anything in his life. I couldn't say how many times he's been clean and relapsed or lied and relied or left and came back. I can't tell you whether or not he wants to be clean, i can't tell you whether or not he is doing it for himself or for himself and everyone he loves. But I can tell you that, as of now, he is clean and healthy. He is my best friend. As strange as that may seem, I love him more than anything in this whole world and couldn't ask for a better dad.I love him so much and I always forgive him and I hate myself for that. He may not be the greatest person in the world or receive the best dad award every year, but he is my dad and no matter what I love him and I am proud to call him my dad.
Now, on to things about me. I am nowhere near perfect. I drink, I swear, I lie, I cheat, I'm human. I never really do everything I should do, and I don't always do as I'm told. But I always strive for excellence and I never take the easy way out. I am a good person and I try to do things right, I just fuck up sometimes.
My life isn't make if sugar and spice and everything nice. It's made of lies, sadness, anger, grudges, and more. But I have some things in my life that I would never trade for anything. Thanks to my dad I have a few brothers that are amazingly wonderful, including a new one who just turned 7 months old. I love him more than anything or anyone in this world and I am more than grateful to have him around.
My life. It's hard but it's mine. And I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
Now, on to things about me. I am nowhere near perfect. I drink, I swear, I lie, I cheat, I'm human. I never really do everything I should do, and I don't always do as I'm told. But I always strive for excellence and I never take the easy way out. I am a good person and I try to do things right, I just fuck up sometimes.
My life isn't make if sugar and spice and everything nice. It's made of lies, sadness, anger, grudges, and more. But I have some things in my life that I would never trade for anything. Thanks to my dad I have a few brothers that are amazingly wonderful, including a new one who just turned 7 months old. I love him more than anything or anyone in this world and I am more than grateful to have him around.
My life. It's hard but it's mine. And I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
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